dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
You Might Also Like
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
i hope my email finds you on fire
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks