holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
my dad has had enough
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
What’s so funny?
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Omg like wtf
-me, praying