James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
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Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.