“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]