TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
You Might Also Like
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb