My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
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We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.