I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
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If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
When ur friends with white people
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.