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People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.