My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
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*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
i- i did not expect this
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”