me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!