Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Waiting for the Charmin
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.