Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
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Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“OMGJK” -atheists
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.