pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!