I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
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[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Time for evil
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
rapatouille
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.