It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
#Caturday
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier