the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
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I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
i can’t wait that long
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.