Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
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[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Who knew!
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.