I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
classic mixup
What’s this sorcery? 😂
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.