I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
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i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
You sure about that?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.