It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
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ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
We like the way Dwight thinks
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
just left a huge legacy in there
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?