Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
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My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
it must be school picture day
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.