The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
the battle rages on
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums