Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
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Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.