Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
You Might Also Like
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs