Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
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I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
He wanted to make sure😂
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Extremely relatable.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.