Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
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Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”