The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
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I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you