2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
You Might Also Like
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve