me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
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I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.