Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
incredible book dedication
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.