HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
You Might Also Like
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I already tried new things thanks.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly