If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
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I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Noted.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Breaking news:
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.