The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
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Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.