WWE is French for “yes”
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I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.