Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing