You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
when you order from DoorDastardly
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?