[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.