Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
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12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues