How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream