*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
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Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Miscakes
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
That 👊
This will never not be funny to me.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
At least he brought enough for everyone
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.