YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
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Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee