The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
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Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
#merica
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado