In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
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[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks