Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
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I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
three things we don’t talk about
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?