I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
You Might Also Like
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.