You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
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me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…