The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
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If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”