If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.