Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
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Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*