If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
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[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
The photographer’s assistant
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…